I have often considered why I am so prone to nostalgia. Every couple of years, I have an urge to go on a pilgrimage to all of the places that mattered to me throughout my life. Lately, I have been overcome with a longing ache to revisit Scotland. Though it was the repository of so much childhood trauma, I want to stand outside my childhood home and reminisce. I want to visit Cincinnati where I was born.
A similar feeling descends when I look at pictures of my children when they were young. If I could just go back for a moment; I want to (re)touch that memory briefly. Those moments seem increasingly disconnected to me. Every picture, a lost reflection.
The common denominator in all of these thoughts is a stark separation. I’m right here; those moments were over there. Tim on the Little League baseball field, a thousand miles away. Tim at the old apple cider mill; Tim at the campground with his grandparents.
I have been reading Maggie Smith’s profound memoir, “We Could Make This Place Beautiful”, and in her poignant observations, I believe that I’ve found an answer. A new way of looking.
She offers that we can view our lives as Russian nesting dolls; that within us is every iteration we’ve ever known. Some may view this as an obvious observation, but it hit me like a bolt of lightning. My son is in her first t-ball game—is as close as my son is right now. The shady canopy of trees that enthralled me in northern Michigan as a child, where I spent hours kicking a ball to its outstretched branches. It’s right here.
There is no past and present, no here and over there. It’s all here; right now. I hold every memory, every version of myself that’s ever been. I am a reflection of everything that came before.
I'm still fantasizing about a trip to Ireland/Scotland in the coming years. I still want to stand outside my childhood home and process the grief. Something has shifted, though. It doesn’t feel so far away.
I am a Russian nesting doll.
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I can so relate to what you expressed here. My favorite line is “I am a reflection of everything that came before “.
Russian nesting dolls now have new meaning to me. Thank you.
I have been using this analogy for some time now. I really appreciated seeing it expanded upon in this essay.